


Skinsuits

by grand_mephy



Series: Rivals in a Dangerous Spacetime [3]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Frenemies to Roommates to Maybe Something More, Gen, Halloween Dress Ups, Honorifics, M/M, No Spoilers, Other, Planning to have a "localized" version, Pranks and Practical Jokes, technically pre-slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2018-12-06 08:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11597127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grand_mephy/pseuds/grand_mephy
Summary: "So you're telling me," Akamatsu says with a raised brow, "that you, Momota Kaito, spent all of last week talking to everyone in Ouma's prank squad, getting Shirogane-san to make his clothes in your size, and practicing that annoying laugh of hiswillingly, without killing yourself?"Momota slowly nods.They stare at him."Yeah, you've got it bad," Iruma snorts.(Or: It's Halloween and pranksters gotta do what pranksters gotta do.)





	1. Prelude to the Prankstorm

**Author's Note:**

> Needed a little project to curb the stress from studying. Hopefully I can work on my bigger stories after the exams *sweat drop*
> 
> ANyways enjoy :)
> 
> EDIT: This fic was written before the ENG release of V3 so I apologise for any, uh, jarring usage of honorifics and terms. In the JP translation, Ouma refers to everyone with the suffix "—chan"; Momota refers to everyone by their family names except for Gonta, "Shuuichi" (the equivalent to the localized "bro") and "Harumaki" (meaning "spring roll"). In this fic he, along with Saihara, call Akamatsu by her first name. 
> 
> And in the JP game, Gonta doesn't speak broken Japanese, so I didn't write him with his caveman speak. He, Tenko and Angie all refer to themselves in the third person, and Angie calls everyone by their first names.
> 
> Sorry if this seems full on but I'm planning to publish a "localized" version using first names sometime, so there's that. I hope you enjoy this story regardless!

They're seated outdoors of their favorite cafe when he tells them his plan.  
  
"So you're telling me," Akamatsu says with a raised brow, "that you, Momota Kaito, spent all of last week talking to everyone in Ouma-kun's prank squad, getting Shirogane-san to make his clothes in your size, and practicing that annoying laugh of his  _willingly_ , without killing yourself?"  
  
Momota slowly nods.  
  
They stare at him.  
  
"Yeah, you've got it bad," Iruma snorts.  
  
On the other side of the road, a bike gets caught behind a car door. Even though the resounding crash makes Momota jolt in his seat he's offended enough to ask, "The  _hell_  do you mean by that?" to his semi-best friend with her fucking semi-spiked latte, who glances at his other best friend in disbelief.  
  
"Whaddya mean? Sounds to me like someone wants to impress their future fuck buddy," Iruma says.  
  
"Jesus Christ, Iruma, I do  _not_  want to impress him. All I wanna do is see his fucking face when I show up in his shitty clown outfit, and maybe,  _maybe_ , make him cry." Momota leans forward. "For _real._ "  
  
Akamatsu chokes on her coffee. "Wow," she rasps, fanning her mouth, "I don't think I've ever seen you this mad at Ouma-kun before. At least, mad enough to plot a whole prank. Just to be clear, this was your idea?"  
  
"Yeah, why?"  
  
" _Well_ , you're more of a 'act first, think later' kind of person. I just find it hard to believe that you'd spend all that time planning something that doesn't involve a punch... No offense."  
  
Momota, of course, is offended.  
  
"Look, you've seen how that goes. I punch him, he leaps back up like a fucking WWE wrestler. Or he cries and I have to shut him up with an apology. Either way, he comes out on top."  
  
"' _On top_ '," Iruma sniggers.  
  
" _Shut up_  and drink your latte," Momota growls, just as a waiter comes to clean up the table next to them.  
  
Akamatsu picks up the conversation with a knowing smile.  
  
"So you're stooping to his level. Have to say, I'm excited for your debut at the party tomorrow. At least we know why you've been lying to everyone about your Halloween costume. Or should I say  _costumes_?"  
  
"Ah, shit." In hindsight, he probably should've stuck to the same lie every time someone asked. It'd been early stages at the time and Momota was adamant on not fucking it up from the get go. "You think the others noticed? You think Shuuichi has? Goddammit, I knew he looked at me funny when I asked him where Ouma's prank meetings were."  
  
"He's not the only one who's suspicious of you," Akamatsu says. "Shinguuji-kun DMed me when you told him you were going to dress up as 'a special someone' and asked me if you were going as your mom, your dad, or your lover."  
  
"What the _fuck_ ," Momota blurts.  
  
"I remember that! Oh man, what a kinkshamer!" Iruma cackles.  
  
"Oh, and Toujou-san!" Akamatsu exclaims. "She found it weird how you had a ton of takeaway containers and soda cans lying around. Soda cans of the  _Panta_  brand..? Hm~m?"  
  
"Seriously? I knew I shouldn't have given her a spare key! I mean, yeah, she cleans and all, which is super nice of her, but _privacy_  man. I don't need her leafing through and spoiling the surprise."  
  
"Come on, why don't you just admit it already? You're  _obsessed_! Your stupid prank proves it!" Iruma huffs. "Nobody would torture the crap outta their soul by pretending to be that shota!"  
  
"Hey, pranksters gotta do what pranksters gotta do," Momota says. "And I am  _not_  obsessed!"  
  
"Oh come on, Momota-kun," Akamatsu says, "don't tell me you don't see it? The fact that he's rubbed off on you?"  
  
"' _Rubbed one off_ '."  
  
" _Latte_ , Iruma. And the hell are you talking about, Kaede?"  
  
Akamatsu smiles. "How long have you and Ouma-kun been feuding?"  
  
"Since high school... Why?"  
  
"How often do you spend time together?"  
  
Momota frowns. "What do you mean? We don't spend shit."  
  
" _Really_? Because apparently, Ouma hangs out at your apartment more than once a week."  
  
Momota's glad he has the reflexes to dodge the torrent of latte that spurts out of Iruma's mouth. The peach-blonde wipes her mouth with a snarled, "Hold on  _Bakamatsu_ , how come this is the first I'm hearing about this?!" to the former's noncommittal shrug.  
  
"If there's one thing poker nights with Harukawa-san taught me, it's to keep your cards close to your chest."  
  
Momota grimaces. "Shit, Kaede, you've been hanging out with her and Hoshi too much..."  
  
"Hey flower brain, don't change the topic! You and the shota, alone in a room." Iruma leans forward with a leer. "Heh? Wanna give us the deets~?"  
  
"I will shove that drink in your mouth, Iruma, I swear to Yonaga's God.  _Don't_  turn that into an innuendo," Momota adds preemptively, deflating Iruma's cheer. "Look, it's not what you think. It ain't 'hanging out' if he breaks into my apartment!"  
  
"Does he stay?" Akamatsu asks.  
  
"I don't  _want_  him to—"  
  
"Then you're still hanging out."  
  
"Alright, that's it! I'm not copping anymore of this bullshit!" The chair screeches as Momota stands with a deft grab at his jacket. "I'll see you guys later when you're not teasing me for shit you're  _obviously_  hallucinating."  
  
Akamatsu tries stifling a laugh but fails. "Seriously, Momota-kun. Why can't you admit that you like spending time with him?"  
  
"Because I  _don't_! I'm literally about to buy a fuck ton of pig feet just to ward him away!"  
  
As Momota stalks off, Akamatsu turns to her friend. "Why pig feet..?"  
  
Iruma shrugs. "I dunno. Maybe it's some kinda aphrodisiac..."

 

 

* * *

 

 

The first thing Momota notices upon arriving at his apartment is the open door and the smell of burning.  
  
Shit.  
  
"The hell are you trying to cook  _now_ ," he snarls by way of greeting, slamming the door open and finding the little fucker dancing over a giant pot he swears he doesn't even own. Toujou hasn't come by recently, if the stains, socks and paper balls are any indication.  _Panta_  cans litter every goddamn square meter, on his ratty green couch, his Astro Boy rug, some inches away from the waste basket. His whiteboard's wiped clean and replaced with a brainstorm of new pranks. His glow-in-the-dark star map's been rearranged, _again_.  
  
Ouma grins up at him.  
  
"I'm trying to make miso," he says.  
  
Momota glares.  
  
" _Why_."  
  
"Because it's boring. Like you. Plus I was hungry and you had nothing else in your fridge."  
  
Momota pinches the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "There's the convenience store downstairs. You could've just bought a cheap meal for like, 300 yen."  
  
Ouma turns back to his shitpot. "But I spent my allowance on balloons and pepper spray last week, and now I'm broke."  
  
"What are you, a kid? You're a party planner, the  _only_  one in Itazura, you shit out thousands every month.  _I_  still need to pay off my student loan debts." Momota dumps his wallet and keys on a ceramic dish he's pretty sure Ouma dropped and glued back together. "How you're richer than me I'll never fucking know..."  
  
"Because I'm smart and didn't go to university where adults can rip me off with textbook prices and expensive meals," Ouma says, waving a ladle and sending spatters of miso flying. "Course you wouldn't know that, Momota-chan, being the dumb person you are."  
  
"Oh,  _I'm_  the dumb one?" Momota sidles up to him with his shopping bag. "I ain't the one who followed me to the butcher's and gave away their one and only weakness."  
  
"Hm~? What do you mean by—?"  
  
See, the thing about annoying shits is, when they're caught off guard, it's really fucking funny.  
  
What's  _not_  funny is when Ouma recoils from the bag of pig feet and knocks over his shitpot in the process, sending the contents flying. Boiling soup splatters their skin and spills on the shoddy linoleum floor. Steam rises. Both of them yelp.  
  
Minutes later, they sit dejectedly amidst the carnage.  
  
To be fair, Momota supposes, as he lobs the bottle of aloe vera he bought  _specifically_  for shit like this, a giant mess on his floor is pretty par for the course whenever Ouma's around.  
  
Doesn't mean Momota  _likes_  it. So who can blame him for getting a bit of revenge?  
  
"This all your fault," Ouma mumbles, dabbing himself with the aloe vera.  
  
"I will fucking throw a foot at you, Ouma. So  _shut_."  
  
"I was just trying to do something nice for you..."  
  
" _Nice_? I could've saved some yen on my gas bill if you'd just gone to the convenience store!"  
  
"But I hate the person working there! She's always glaring at me because of that one time I stole a ton of food." Ouma clicks his tongue. "She should be thankful. I helped expose a  _huge_  blind spot in the store  _and_  proved how much people could get away with their current security system."  
  
" _Normal_  people notify staff about their concerns," Momota growls into his palm. "Then again, you're not normal... You're a fucking demon. I wish Shuuichi never introduced us."  
  
That disaster had been during the school holidays. Shuuichi had come by his house with Ouma in tow, the latter looking like a puppy out of its leash. Literally the first thing he did was insult Momota's beard. Which was unforgivable, because his beard is a sacred treasure that  _nobody_  should desecrate.  
  
And so, they've been annoying each other ever since.  
  
"Oh, I don't mind! I think it's nice for me to have someone who I can annoy for a hobby. And insult. And mooch off."  
  
"You're going to get what's coming for you," Momota growls.  
  
Ouma looks up, eyes crinkled in amusement. "Oh? Does Momota-chan have something planned?"  
  
Momota chucks a pig foot at him.  
  
He chucks several more when Ouma shrieks because Momota finds that he  _likes_  that sound, just as much as he likes Amami telling off the annoying shit. So he chases Ouma with a handful of the porky raw fuckers and doesn't stop laughing even when he activates a door trap and ends up with a bucketful of  _Panta_  on his head.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 _ **Shuuichi**_  
  
**[user]:**  how do you get soda out of your hair  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Um  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Wash it six times?  
  
**[user]:**  i did that man come on, dont you have any better sugestions  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Why do you even have soda in your hair?  
  
**[user]:**  ouma  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Ah. Did he come over again?  
  
**[user]:** he broke in and tried making miso  
  
**[user]:**  i scared him shitless with pig feet  
  
**[user]:**  it was fucking awesome  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Seems like you had fun.  
  
**[user]:**  i guess. i still have to clean up the mess tho, he fcking left panta everywhre  
  
**[user]:**  also he won't leave and hes stolen all my blankets  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Are you going to ask me to drag him away again?  
  
**[user]:** nah youre not his roomate anymore. ill just call amami  
  
**Shuuichi:**  He might be with Shirogane.  
  
**Shuuichi:**... Who incidentally told me you had a commission for her.

 

 

 _ **Shirogane**_  
  
**[user]:**  you traitor  
  
**Shirogane:**  HEY I didnt specify!!!  
  
**Shirogane:**  BTW come over tomorrow @ 1 to try the cloak!!  
  
**[user]:**  SICK ILL BE THERE

 

 

 _ **Shuuichi**_  
  
**[user]:**  i wanted another space jacket  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Kaito, I roomed with Ouma for a year.  
  
**Shuuichi:**  You can't lie to me  
  
**[user]:**  wtf shuuichi how could you tell thru TEXT  
  
**Shuuichi:**  That aside, I feel you should know  
  
**[user]:**  ??  
  
**Shuuichi:**  That Amami's moving upstate for his latest acting job  
  
**[user]:**  SHIT for that new drama?? fucking sick!  
  
**Shuuichi** : And Ouma will have to pay the rent by himself.  
  
**[user]:**  so? he can cover it  
  
**Shuuichi:**  But his spending habits... Either way that's not the issue here.  
  
**Shuuichi:**  You know how much Ouma loves Amami  
  
**[user]:**  in a gay way or friend way  
  
**[user]:**  ive been lowkey trying to figure that out  
  
**Shuuichi:**  EITHER way Ouma will be lonely without him  
  
**Shuuichi:**  So he'll need someone to keep him company.  
  
**[user]:**  get him a cat  
  
**Shuuichi:**  What  
  
**[user]:**  yeah just get one from hoshi  
  
**[user]:**  problem solved  
  
**[user]:** shit he might even leaveme alone if he has that fucker instead  
  
**[user]:** DO IT SHUUICHI  
  
**Shuuichi:**  I am not getting him a cat!  
  
**Shuuichi:**  I am getting him a Caito...  
  
**[user]:**  ...  
  
**Shuuichi:**  ...  
  
**[user]:**  was that  
  
**Shuuichi:**  It's all Angie's influence I swear.  
  
**[user]:**  eviscerate yourself  
  
**Shuuichi:**  ... Do you even know what that means?  
  
**[user]:**  no but harumaki said it once and it sounded terrifiyng  
  
**[user]:**  but seriously a kaito?? why are you getting him a ME??  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Because you're the closest he has to a friend besides me  
  
**Shuuichi:**  He obviously has fun with you  
  
**Shuuichi:**  And you're well equipped to take his bullshit.  
  
**[user]:**  are you fucking serious we'll kill each other in two days  
  
**[user]:**  isnt there a quote about the world going to shit because people are locked in a cabin??  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Why don't you just try it? Please? He'll probably insist moving into your place anyway.  
  
**[user]:**  believe me after tomorrow night he wont  
  
**Shuuichi:**... What do you mean by that?  
  
**Shuuichi:**  What are you going to do.  
  
**[user]:**  nishishi  
  
**Shuuchi:**  K  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Ouma... is this you? Did you take Kaito's phone again?  
  
**[user]:**  what if i did?  
  
**[user]:**  And stop making me sound like a loser saihara chan~~ I wont be lonely  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Is that why you've been breaking into Kaito's apartment?  
  
**[user]:**  Hey I just want someone to annoy for a hobby~  
  
**[user]:**  even if he is dumb :((  
  
**Shuuichi:**  I won't text anymore, but seriously Ouma  
  
**Shuuichi:**  ... You don't have to be afraid to admit the truth sometimes.  
  
**[user]:** Who said I was afraid? not my style anywayss  
  
**[user]:**  I'm going to sleep now~~ Night Saihara chan~~!!  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Night. Don't bother Kaito too much in the morning.  
  
**[user]:**  no promises~!

 

 

Shutting his phone off, Momota tosses it to his side with a laugh.  
  
He's gonna fucking  _ace_  it tomorrow.

 


	2. The Alpha Rapscallion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Momota isn't the only one with something up his sleeve.

_**Shirogane**_  
  
**[user]:**  Hey! This is out of the blue and all  
  
**[user]:**  but Iruma and I got word that a certain /someone/ is doing a prank tmr  
  
**Shirogane:**  Akamatsu-san! I cant spoil the surprise!!  
  
**[user]:**  Come on we wanna see what you made for Momota kun!  
  
**Shirogane:**  Sry I value my clients privacy! Besides its a surprise! The shock and scandal will be so mch sweeter that way...  
  
**[user]:**  PLEASE  
  
**Shirogane:**  Grovelling wont change my mind!  
  
**Shirogane:**  BUT  
  
**[user]:**  !!  
  
**Shirogane:**  I can show you another commission...  
  
**Shirogane:**  [img_307.jpg]  
  
**[user]:** OMG  
  
**[user]:** NO  
  
**Shirogane:**  YES >:D  
  
**Shirogan** **e:**  We are in for an interesting night Akamatsu-san...

 

 

* * *

 

 

Momota wakes up cold and unfeeling. That's the thing about sleeping without blankets: you're doomed to sleep all restless and grumpy, until the morning comes and the person who stole your blankets receives tenfold of that suffering.  
  
Too bad that Ouma's usually gone by the time Momota wakes up, a dirty plate in the sink and a good morning message scrawled on Momota's whiteboard. Today's reads "CLEAN UP YOUR MESS MOMOTA CHAN!" with an angry face graciously tacked at the end: no doubt referring to the shit ton of pig feet and soda cans littering the floor. Bastard didn't even clean up after himself...  
  
Resigning himself to his fate, Momota cleans up as much as he can before Toujou breaks in and works herself silly. He also makes a mental note to strangle Ouma, but that's pretty much a constant on his mind, so he doesn't worry about forgetting that.  
  
He must've spent an hour making his place look  _decently_  clean when the door opens and the demon comes back.  
  
"You actually listened," Ouma says in wonderment as he dodges Momota's attempts to strangle him. "Hey! None of that, Momota-chan! You don't want to drop our breakfast!" Upon saying that, he dumps the contents onto the kitchen counter with a careless flourish. "I got us some maguro onigiri, some Asahi bars, Fire Coffee, milk bread, all the things healthy students need~"  
  
Momota blinks at the assortment. "These are all from the convenience store. You actually went in? Even with Harumaki practically on the lookout for you?"  
  
"Hunger is a  _dangerous_  imperative. Also, she wasn't on shift. Instead a nice person called Gonta helped me~! He didn't even mind when I took eight tries to guess your PIN number."  
  
"What."  
  
"I have some news," Ouma announces lowly, right before Momota can do the strangling thing again. "As you know, my beloved Amami-chan auditioned for a role in some sappy love drama. Well, he got it! But now he's leaving me to pursue his career." He bites his milk bread with a pout. "He'll be gone within the month, leaving me all alone in our shared, costly apartment..."  
  
"I know, Shuuichi told me last night. Said you were going to be lonely," Momota says.  
  
"Exactly! Which is why I'm moving in with you."  
  
Momota stills.  
  
"You're kidding."  
  
"Nope," Ouma says. "I'm a hundred percent not lying."  
  
Looking at him, Momota is horrified see that it's true.  
  
"Course, we'll split the rent between us, sort out the chores, figure out new schedules, buy some new stuff—"  
  
"Whoa,  _whoa_!" Momota interrupts. "Wait a sec! You're not moving in here!"  
  
"Eh? Why not?"  
  
"I don't want you to! Go live in your  _own_  apartment!"  
  
"It's too big. Plus I've been living there for a year and it's getting boring." Ouma shrugs. "I want something new. Even if it's a drab place like yours."  
  
"Ouma. We will  _kill_ each other."  
  
"Good, we'll have a fun time trying~!" Ouma hops down from his seat with a can of coffee in hand. "I'm going to talk to my landlord and sort out the details. Meanwhile you should clean up a bit more, I think you missed a spot there."  
  
Momota clenches his hands.  
  
"I'm  _not_  letting you move in," he says firmly.  
  
"I'd like to see you try," Ouma shoots back with a breezy grin. "You haven't stopped me for the past three months, what makes you think you'll prevent me from taking over your life~?"  
  
"Me strangling you with the blankets you fucking stole!"  
  
"I'll bring them back! But only as your roommate~"  
  
Momota considers beating him with the trash bag full of pig feet, but decides against it. No, he thinks as Ouma skips out with a taunting laugh, revenge will be his tonight.  
  
Nishi-fucking-shi, Ouma.  
  
Nishi- _fucking_ -shi.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 _ **Irumaa**_  
  
**[user]:**  Hey Iruma guess what!  
  
**Irumaa:**  OII!!!  
  
**Irumaa:**  I aint got the time for Your CRAP BAKAMTSU!!  
  
[ **user]:**  But this is comedy gold! ANd possibly cringey but thats what friendships are founded on anyway.  
  
**Irumaa:**  WELL it better be good enuf to interrupt quality TIME w/  K I I B S!!  
  
**[user]:**  !! You guys met up?! Thats great tell him I said hi!  
  
**Irumaa:**  DO IT URSELF  
  
**Irumaa:**  MAN your lucky lets me text to you  
  
**Irumaa:**  His schedules already tight enuf as is  
  
**Irumaa:**  Like me  
  
**Irumaa:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**[user]:**  [screenshot.img_354]  
  
**Irumaa:**  HOLY MOTHER CUMDUMPSTER  
  
**[user]:**  Thats all I wanted to show you! ttyl  
  
**Irumaa:**  WHY IS IT SO SMALL  
  
**Irumaa:**  IS SHOTA  
  
**[user]:**  HAHA enjoy your tinker date :))  
  
**Irumaa:**  HOLY ****

 

 

* * *

 

 

As Ouma hops off a bus that definitely did  _not_  take him back to his landlord, his mind races through his schedule.  
  
There's a kid's birthday next week and three more within the month. Then there's the prank they need to pull during some politician's visit, a fun statement exposing the bastard's secret dealings with the yakuza. It's the one job Ouma's actually looking forward to planning, but tonight he's got more important things to consider.  
  
He waltzes in the building with the air of a king, all smiles and doe eyes to strangers he passes by. Then he reaches Shirogane's studio and promptly laughs at the commission she's working on:  
  
The unmistakable galaxy print of Momota Kaito's jacket.  
  
"Oh, Ouma-kun! You're early!" Shirogane steps away from the massive table with a cheery smile. "I haven't finished the jacket yet but the hair's all done! Want to try it out?"  
  
"Shirogane-chan," Ouma says, hand to his chest as if solemnly wronged. "If I look like a monster, please tell me. It's the only way I'll know if it's working."  
  
The wig and goatee are positively dreadful — the quality is top notch, of course, but the very shape and spike of the imitations hits too close to home, and Ouma feels a shred of his dignity die as he attaches the goatee and lowers the wig on his head like a crown.  
  
" _Monster_ ," Shirogane breathes as Ouma stands in the mirror room. "You look like a younger version of him, Ouma-kun! Your cheeks are plumper and your eyes cuter, but other than that — ah, it's so  _weird_! Seeing such hyper-masculine features on a face like yours! How about you try doing an impression?"  
  
Ouma puffs out his chest and does his best to look focused and cross-eyed.  
  
" _Doi_ ," he says.  
  
He and Shirogane burst out laughing.  
  
"Is it bad that I don't feel bad?" Shirogane says once she settles. "I just can't wait to see what everyone else thinks! You, a shorter version of our lovable idiot, and— ah, it'll be so worth getting behind my other orders!"  
  
"Don't worry~! Since I'm going to be rooming with Momota-chan, I can afford to pay you handsomely for his demise."  
  
"Ooh, you're going to be roommates?"  
  
"Yep! I made my decision this morning. I figured since Amami-chan was going to leave and Saihara-chan's living with his dear Akamatsu-chan, the space baka was the obvious choice." Ouma tugs on the faux goatee. "Of course, the whole reason why I started ambushing him was to study his speech patterns. But it's been  _really_  fun, and his landlord is  _really_  tolerant of big messes, minor explosions and frequent shouting matches. It's the perfect living situation!"  
  
Shirogane hums, "But what about Momota-kun? Would he let you move in?"  
  
"Nope. But," Ouma chuckles, "he doesn't have a choice. And if I were to magically sell my apartment and carry all my belongings in a sack on a stick, he'll let me in. Because he's too kind and too much of a pushover~"  
  
"Still, I hope he'll be fine with it," Shirogane mumbles. "It'd be bad if he snapped again..."  
  
Ouma winces. To be fair, the Snap Incident was  _not_  his fault, he just merely exacerbated it. Apparently being rejected for a space cadetship was enough to send Momota into a downward spiral, and it didn't help that the others kept it from Ouma because his ignorance just made it worse.  
  
But that aside, "I won't push him  _too_  hard. I'm not a complete monster, Shirogane-chan. Even if I am wearing this... monstrosity."  
  
Shirogane pats his wig with a light chuckle. "It only looks monstrous on you. But naturally on Momota-kun it's, well." She claps her hands with a sigh. "Honestly quite handsome. In a very rugged bishounen way."  
  
"Ew. Now I want to take these off."  
  
"It's not  _that_  bad," Shirogane says as Ouma peels away the goatee. "Just an acquired taste. You should see him with his hair down, though, he looks like a  _completely_  different person!"  
  
Ouma has, twice, and both times he repressed the memory. "You don't think Momota-chan will hate me for this, do you? I just want to humiliate him with my superb acting skills and ingenious pranking ability. Bu~ut, it'd be bad if he snapped the day before I move in."  
  
"Come on, Ouma-kun, it's just a prank! He should know by now to expect that from you. And who knows... he might even  _appreciate_  it."  
  
Now, Ouma's a smart person. So he knows that something's not right with that phrase, because there was  _no way_  that was meant to be reassuring. But he gives Shirogane the benefit of the doubt and concentrates on channeling the spirit of Momota Kaito, all the while laughing at every rendition.  
  
Tonight's going to be damn fucking  _awesome_.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It's when he leaves Shirogane that decides to tell his friend the good news.

 

 

 ** _Saihara~chan_**  
  
**[user]:**  SAIHARA CHAN GUESS WHAT  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  ? What?  
  
**[user]:** Guess!! @u@  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  Based on the limited amount of clues you've given me, I'd say you pulled off a very successful prank.  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  On Kaito.  
  
**[user]:**  !! Close but no cigar~!!  
  
**[user]:**  I've decided to actually move in with momota chan since u know, Amami chan's leaving me :((  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  That's great! Obviously not about Amami leaving, but it's good you made that decision.  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  Have you told Kaito?  
  
**[user]:**  Yep he wasn't happy~~ but that's predictable  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  I hope you weren't too tough on him this morning.  
  
**[user]:**  ?? why would I be?  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  The last time you stayed over you erased his whiteboard equations.  
  
**[user]:**  Huuuh?? I never told you i stayed over  
  
**[user]:**  Did momota chan tell on me~~?? >:O  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  You texted me last night..? On Kaito's phone?  
  
**[user]:**  ah  
  
**[user]:**  Yeah forgot about that, was too sleepyy  
  
**[user]:**  What did i say again?~  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  I assumed you were pretending to be him since you didn't jumble your words, a sign he'd be wrestling the phone from you.  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  You were just, well. Pretending to be him. Talking bad about yourself, saying how you should get a cat to keep you company.  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  Do you really not remember this?  
  
**[user]:**  what was the time stamp?  
  
**Saihara~chan:**  Nine thirty two.  
  
**[user]:**  Oh yeah now I remember~~!  
  
**[user]:**  Okay have to go see you tonight bye~!!

 

 

Ouma hurries into a bus as he pockets his phone. Eyes narrowed, he stares in the general direction of Momota's district.

Huh.

Interesting.

 


	3. Domestic, Behind the Scenes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's no upside, really, to having Ouma as a roommate.

_**Space Baka~~**_  
  
**[user]:**  Hey momota chan~ where are you??  
  
**Space Baka~~:**  the convenience store?  
  
**Space Baka~~:** why  
  
**[user]:**  Nothing just looking out for the wellbeing of my new roommate~~  
  
**Space Baka~~:**  knock that off already i aint your roommate  
  
**Space Baka~~:**  and if ur goin to breka into my place  
  
**Space Baka~~:**  then have the damn courtesy to restock the fridge  
  
**[user]:**  Sure sure~ >:D

 

 

"Who was that?"

Momota shakes his head. "Ouma. He just wanted to know where I was."  
  
"That sounds suspicious," Harukawa says as she hands him his change. Momota accepts it with a bark of laughter.  
  
"That bastard's probably at my place, setting up a new prank to fuck me over," he says as he opens his newly-bought cereal bar instore, uncaring for the look Harukawa gives him. "What? I bought it, why can't I eat it now?"  
  
Harukawa doesn't deign to answer that, and instead says, "I told you before, if you want to get rid of him then get a restraining order. It worked for the man I threatened back in summer camp."  
  
"Shit, yeah... I still can't believe you were a camp counselor. I mean, you were probably great! But man, if I had you when I was a kid..."  
  
"Some kids need discipline. I provide that discipline." Harukawa stares him right in eyes. "So if he's misbehaving, send him over here."  
  
"Nah, it won't come to that." Momota thinks. "Maybe. It's just. Yeah, there are times when I wanna beat the shit out of him but," he pauses, chewing on a sticky chunk thoughtfully, "he's not a  _bad_  person. Just annoying. And inconvenient. Like an itch. Except he's become kinda bearable." Momota shrugs. "I don't know, I guess I got used to him picking my locks and making himself at home. Doesn't stop me from wanting to smack his fucking face, though."  
  
Harukawa regards him with barely-concealed exasperation. "I don't understand your relationship at all," she says truthfully. "Are you enemies? Rivals? Friends..?"  
  
"Eh... I guess we're friends of a  _mutual_  friend. Or just friends but the-kind-that-hate-each-other friends. You know, like you and Hoshi."  
  
She scoffs. "We're on friendlier terms than  _you_  two."  
  
Momota swallows a chunk of oat. "And friendly with  _Kaede,_  of all people. Seriously, when did you two invite her to your poker games?"  
  
Harukawa doesn't answer that, which sorta pisses Momota off. But he's not a master conversationalist for nothing, so with a gulp of his snack, he leans closer to the counter where all the sweets and bars are advertised.  
  
"I actually have some news," he starts. He tells her about Amami moving away and Ouma wanting to move in, and by the end of his sorry tale Harukawa looks at him with the air of an unimpressed duchess.  
  
"You'll kill each other in a day," she says flatly.  
  
"That's what I said! I mean, I put more faith in us, but see," Momota throws his arms in the air, "it's a bad idea, right? There's no reason why it'll work out!"  
  
Harukawa nods. "Based on your previous stories, yes. But I don't know why you're telling me this when you could be telling Ouma to shove his face in the sun. Is it really that hard to deny him?"  
  
"No, but he's a persistent fucker. Like a parasite. An itch and a parasite." Momota groans balefully into his cereal bar. "That's not my only problem, though. I'm scared he'll do something stupid like sell his apartment, then he'll have nowhere to go  _but_  my place. So I'm wondering if I should say 'yes' now rather than later. Get it over and done with."  
  
" _Don't_  give in," Harukawa tells him seriously. "If he becomes your roommate then your life will be a living hell. Worse than his sleepovers. Any gadgets he buys, any women he brings back—"  
  
"—I don't think I have to worry about that—"  
  
"—any cops he wrongs, they'll all come back to your apartment. And they will  _stink_  it up." She crosses her arms. "Think about all the bad things he's done to you. Then the good. Which one has the most that come to mind?"  
  
The  _bad_ , obviously. Momota's been the target of so many fucking pranks it's not even funny. Then there was that one time... Fuck, it hadn't even been Ouma's fault in the first place, but what he said had been  _completely_  out of line given Momota's state of mind...  
  
Then again, Ouma had tried to make amends in his own weird way. Gave him coupons for Free Hugs (Momota's never cashed them in and damn him to  _h_ _ell_  if he ever decides to be desperate enough to do so). That's one of the only good things Momota can think of, besides Ouma's passive-aggressive goodwill. It's definitely not tipping the scales.  
  
Harukawa shakes her head.  
  
"You know what you need to do," she says.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 _ **Shirogane**_  
  
**Shirogane:**  Momota-kun! Dont forget to come @ 1!!  
  
**[user]:**  yeah dw ill be there  
  
**Shirogane:**  eee :DDDD

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Hey," he says, opening the door to his place. It still reeks of soft drink and blood but other than that, nothing's been majorly tampered with. Except for, say, the big mass of blankets on his couch.  
  
It's not the first time Ouma's napped in his place, but the fact that he could be doing it in his  _own_ home with his  _own_  blankets pisses Momota off. But he's not merciless enough to dump Ouma out on the street, not when the shorter boy's cocooned himself like a wriggly, irritating caterpillar. Beside him is a pencil and sketchbook, the one he uses for his prank ideas, and from where he stands Momota can make out the faint scrawl of the words "ShaPeShiftING MoMOTA-Chan" which, well. Hopefully doesn't work.  
  
A phone rings. It's Ouma's, a ray of light peeking from under the blankets. Momota grabs it and answers, "Hello?"  
  
" _... Who's this?_ "  
  
"Uh, I'm Ouma's... friend."  
  
" _Hm._ " There's a pause. " _If you're really his friend then what's his favorite food?_ "  
  
"I know what food he  _doesn't_  like," Momota offers instead. "Anyways, who is this?" He looks at the caller ID. "You Yumeno-chan..?"  
  
" _That's me. But it's weird when you say it..._ " There's a breathy sigh that sounds like a yawn before she continues, " _I'm the mage for Ouma's parties. I just want to know what spells to remember for the next event._ "  
  
Mage? Spells?? "Uh, he's sleeping right now. Is it super urgent?"  
  
" _No, but I like to be prepared._ "  
  
"Oh. Then just... call him back."  
  
When the line disconnects, Momota wonders just how Ouma surrounds himself with all sorts of weirdos. Then the home screen pops up with the little camera icon, and his mind immediately thinks of vengeance.  
  
Switching the perspective to selfie mode, Momota holds the phone so that his shit-eating grin is side by side with Ouma's sleeping face. He must've taken at least a hundred burst shots before calling it a day, and with a giddy feeling in his chest Momota returns Ouma's phone to his clutches.  
  
He's got some free time before meeting Shirogane. Momota doesn't want to practice for the prank, not when Ouma's a room away, so he turns on the television and settles for an anime with giant robots and awesome voice acting.  
  
He's midway through an exposition scene when Ouma shifts beside him, stretching a leg and knocking the remote from his hand.  
  
"Goddammit," Momota mutters, shifting to take it back. Then he has to settle with a pair of bony legs lying ungainly on his own crossed ones, and it's only when he decides to lie parallel to the couch does he actually feel remotely comfortable. Momota props himself on an elbow as he watches the fight scene and feels warm next to Ouma, who's an indigo tuft peeking out of layers and layers of blankets.  
  
Momota yawns. Shit, he wants to sleep. He never thought he'd be bored out of his mind at this time of the day. Maybe he should call Iruma?  
  
" _Wassup, buttercup?_ " comes the chirpy greeting. Momota snorts.  
  
"Nothing much. Fucking bored. Need entertainment 'sides TV."  
  
" _Why don't ya call that new buddy of yours? You two can have some fun, let out a little stea~am._ "  
  
"Who, Ouma? He's sorta dead right now."  
  
" _W-WHAT?! You killed him already?! You haven't even reached the climax yet!_ "  
  
Momota groans. "I didn't kill him, Iruma, he's just sleeping! Here, give him your loudest wake-up call." Snickering, he turns on the speakerphone and buries his mobile into the depths of Ouma's blanket fortress, where Iruma's shrilly voice is enough to startle the boy into a drowsy awakening.  
  
" _Why_ ," Ouma grumbles, rolling to his side.  
  
Momota brings the phone back to his ear with a snigger. "He's  _super_  happy to hear you."  
  
" _Pft, sounds like it. Hey, uh, where are you now?_ "  
  
Momota frowns. "My apartment?"  
  
" _I knew that! I meant specifically, dumbass! You in the bedroom, or..?_ "  
  
"Nah, the lounge. Why're you asking?"  
  
A cough. " _Just curious. So, uh, what've you two been up to?_ "  
  
"I just got back like half an hour ago, went and talked to Harumaki. I'm ninety-three percent sure I'm gonna kick Ouma out and let him fucking die on the streets, but he won't stop clinging to my good blankets."  
  
" _Tell me about the blankets_ ," Iruma asks, just as Ouma groggily sits up with his hair tousled and his face set into a deep, deep scowl.  
  
"Well, they're soft," Momota says as he starts wrestling the damn sheets away from Ouma, "and they're fucking mine."  
  
"You woke me up," Ouma says.  
  
"And I woke Ouma up," Momota says to Iruma.  
  
"I have questions to ask you," the shorter boy continues. "About  _identity theft_  and  _slander_."  
  
"Now he's saying some weird legal jargon."  
  
" _Fuck, lemme hear, it might be kinky._ "  
  
"How the  _hell_  would that be kinky?"  
  
"Give me," Ouma demands, hand outstretched for Momota's phone. After a terse mental debate, Momota gives it to him.  
  
Ouma's demeanour changes instantly. " _Iruma-chan_ ," he all but practically coos, "I need to borrow Momota-chan for a bit. I have to clear up something with him that's  _super_  important. Okay~?"  
  
Then he hangs up on her.  
  
Momota isn't even that surprised. "Get out of my apartment," he says in the ensuing silence.  
  
Ouma does not, which is expected but nevertheless disappointing. Instead he crosses his arms and asks, very accusingly, "Did you impersonate me?"  
  
"The fuck? Where'd that come from?!"  
  
"I heard from a bird who heard it from himself that I texted himself late last night," Ouma says nonchalantly. "And if you didn't catch that: himself was Saihara-chan, who I definitely didn't text last night, and who definitely isn't a bird."  
  
Momota takes a minute to process his bullshit, and then says, "You texted Shuuichi."  
  
Ouma sighs. "So dumb. No, Momota-chan,  _you_ did. Using  _my_  name."  
  
Momota forces a huff. "Y-Yeah, as  _if_. No way in hell. You're impossible to understand, what makes you think I can pretend to be as annoying as you?"  
  
"Hm, I don't kno~ow. Maybe because I gave you a guide to my speech patterns for your birthday last year~"  
  
"Tch, I threw that out ages ago." He never actually did; he'd been curious as to what Ouma wrote and found himself skimming through the pages wondering when the hell Ouma got the time to write it. Good thing he kept it, otherwise tonight's prank wouldn't be as fucking awesome.  
  
If only Ouma wouldn't look so skeptical.  
  
"Hm, I could go into your room and verify that," Ouma says. "But I won't. Instead I'll just check your messages!" Momota balks when Ouma waves his phone with a cheeky grin. "Thanks for letting me borrow it, I'll be sure to call everyone on your contacts list~!"  
  
"You bastard, come back here—!"  
  
Ouma dodges his lunge and artfully glides to his feet, thumb running across the phone screen. "Wow, you have  _so_  many games here."  
  
" _Ouma!_ "  
  
"Here it is! Hey—!"  
  
After netting Ouma with the blankets Momota tackles him to the ground, intent on knocking his phone from the other's prying hands. He jerks when Ouma knees him in the stomach and wriggles out of his grasp, crawling away with the damn phone  _still_  in his hand. Momota lunges forward and pins him down on his belly.  
  
"GIVE!" he yells, pawing his mobile.  
  
With a cackle, Ouma slips the device under his chest. "NEVER~!"  
  
"Ouma, if you don't give it to me right now I will fucking  _suffocate_  you!"  
  
"Only if you admit that you tried to be me! And —  _oof!_  — you tell me why!"  
  
"I don't have to tell you shit! Now give me my phone!"  
  
"Momota-chan, you're  _heavy_ ," Ouma whines, his cheek smooshed on the carpet.  
  
"You know  _what_ ," Momota growls, patience wearing thin, "I'm just gonna," and he sticks a hand under Ouma's chest, jostling with the other's arm in search of his phone. Ouma whines and whines and finally gives in when Momota pokes him harshly in the middle of the ribs.  
  
"You could've just said please," Ouma sniffles as Momota retrieves his phone. Momota scoffs and checks to see if his device is damaged when Ouma says, "If only Iruma-chan can see us now. Tiny old me being straddled by Momota-chan... she'll probably get a nosebleed. Also, can you get off? My back hurts from your stupidly heavy body."  
  
"Good," Momota says.  
  
"Eh, you really don't know how to woo someone at all..."  
  
"Save that shit for Amami." Momota checks the time. 12:40. Shit. "I need to go buy some groceries," he says, making his way to his keys. "While I'm gone why don't you get the fuck out of here, do me a favour."  
  
Ouma sighs. "Same old Momota-chan, always saying boring, predictable things. Why don't you say something new for a change? Like, ' _Ouma will be damn good roommate!_ '"  
  
"Yeah, sure, because you've endorsed yourself real fucking well today," Momota retorts.  
  
"I'm not  _all_  that bad," Ouma says with a pout.  
  
"You're only tolerable when you're asleep and when you're twenty feet away from me. That's pretty fucking bad for a roommate."  
  
"I'm still going to come over. All the time. Leave little parts of me here to stay until the apocalypse."  
  
"I'll throw them out."  
  
"Like you did to your birthday present?"  
  
Momota grits his teeth. "Drop it, Ouma. And get out. I don't want you as a roommate."  
  
Ouma gets a look then, one that doesn't seem to suit the childish contours of his face. It's a serious gaze that coldly reminds Momota of the very real adult sitting in his apartment, one who never grew up but never stayed naive, either.  
  
Without looking at him, Ouma asks, "Do you hate me, Momota-chan?"  
  
Momota blinks.  
  
"It's... not a fixed thing," he says slowly. "You piss me off most of the time, but you know, those times when you're pretty decent I don't have a  _major_  problem."  
  
"Do you want me to be more decent?"  
  
The fuck? Momota furrows his brows. "The hell's this coming from? Did I sit on you too long?"  
  
Ouma shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe I just want to be Momota-chan's roommate so so~ much. So~o much that I'm willing to be on my best behavior most of the times."  
  
"H-Hey," Momota says, uncomfortable with the other's words, "you don't have to  _do_  that. Just... I don't know! How would you feel if  _you_  were in my shoes?"  
  
Ouma thinks.  
  
Thinks for some more.  
  
"Pretty annoyed with myself," he says.  
  
"Well, there's your fucking answer. Now I gotta go, Shi— t-ty stores will run out of the good stuff. I-I'll be back in about two hours."  
  
Ouma hums. "Why're you telling me that? Do you expect me to wait for you? Even though you told me to go away?"  
  
Momota goes to the door with a growl. "I don't have time for your mood swings, Ouma. You know what? Do whatever the fuck you want."  
  
As he leaves, Momota can't help but feel like he's missing something, some piece of the puzzle Ouma's elaborately crafted out of bullshit and rhetorical questions. He's seen Saihara deal with it methodically, seen Amami dissolve it into a pile of ash, and — what? The hell's  _he_  going to do?  
  
Goddammit. Ouma's guide book didn't teach him  _this_.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 _ **Bakamatsu**_  
  
**[user]:**  YOO TITS  
  
**[user]:**  you will NOT Believe what i just fckn listend to today  
  
**Bakamatsu:**  What what?!  
  
**[user]:**  Ok so space cadet called me up cuz he was bored af  
  
**[user]:**  An d it turns out the shota was  s l e e p i n g Next TO Him  
  
**[user]:**  IN THE  C O U C H ***  
  
**Bakamatsu:**  Next to him?? i guess that's pretty juicy  
  
**[user]:**  SUPER JUICY YO he even said he needed to borrow flower brain  
  
**[user]:**  POssibl y for activities ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**Bakamatsu:**  I dont think theyre at THAT level yet but they've become pretty close  
  
**Bakamatsu:**  considering how much they /hate/ each other  
  
**[user]:**  YEah well be glad i kept my cool and didnt spill bout the double prank whammy  
  
**[user]:**  Satan on a sex stick TOnight' sgonna be WILD AF  
  
**[user]:**  Shit wait someones texted me

 

  
  
_**Flower brain**_  
  
**Flower brain:**  i need you to check up on ouma  
  
**Flower brain:**  wait crap  
  
**[user]:**  dafck Why ME  
  
**[user]:**  handle ur own shit!!  
  
**Flower brain:**  DIDNT MEAN TO TXT YOU IRUMA CALM THE F DONW  
  
**[user]:**  WAIT A mthrfc kn SEC why do want someone to check up on your bf?!?!?!  
  
**[user]:**  HELLO??

 

  
  
_**Bakamatsu**_  
  
**[user]:**  [screenshot.img_19]  
  
**Bakamatsu:**  Aww that's sweet!  
  
**[user]:**  yeah yeah save the sappy shit!  
  
**[user]:**  I say we go there OUR SELVES!  
  
**Bakamatsu:**  Wha  
  
**Bakamatsu:**  Iruma don't you dare!!!  
  
**[user]:**  Too bad Im on my way  
  
**[user]:**  U cant stop the genius  I R U M A  M I U  
  
**Bakamatsu:**  It won't end well!!!  
  
**Bakamatsu:**  IRUMA???

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that exams are over, I'm back in the writing groove. Hopefully the next chapter will be out sooner.
> 
> On an extra note: This fic was originally meant to be a single chapter, but as it turns out, I'm incapable of writing oneshots. Eh, it worked out in the end, considering the amount of shit these two need to wade through to attain something of a functional relationship.


	4. Mister and Mister Smiths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

_**Shuuichi**_  
  
**[user]:**  hey cna u check up on ouma  
  
**[user]:**  i think i said something wrong but u know him  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Sure I'll be right there.  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Wait, you left him alone?  
  
**[user]:**  yeah have a doctor's appointment  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Alright...  
  
**[user]:**  hes at my place btw  
  
**Shuuichi:**  I know.  
  
**[user]:**  shit this psychic things getting out of hand  
  
**Shuuichi:** No Ouma's just always  
  
**Shuuichi:**  ... Never mind.  
  
**[user]:**  well tell me what he says  
  
**[user]:**  because um  
  
**[user]:**  he asked me if i hated him  
  
**Shuuichi:**  What did you say  
  
**[user]:**  nothing BAD! that i dont always hate him!  
  
**[user]:**  he sitll sounded depressed tho  
  
**[user]:**  idk hes fuckign hard to read man  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Don't worry, I'll talk to him.  
  
**[user]:**  thanks :)  
  
**Shuuichi:**  :)  
  
**[user]:**  OH YEAH  
  
**[user]:**  dont go to the bathroom  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Ah? Door trap?  
  
**[user]:**  nah i set that off already but theres one in the cabinet  
  
**[user]:**  OH and can you tell him to leave when im coming back  
  
**[user]:**  ill be coming home with VERY IMPORTNAT POSESSIONS  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Right..! I'll tell him!  
  
**[user]:**  and can you also clean up  
  
**[user]:**  i think toujou took a vacation or something  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Kaito. I have my limits.  
  
**[user]:**  man i wish you were still a pushover  
  
**[user]:**  i bet you still are with kaede  
  
**[user]:**  in bed  
  
**Shuuichi:**  KAITO  
  
**[user]:**  haha i couldnt help myself  
  
**[user]:**  SHIT THE BUS  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Wait, when are you coming back?  
  
**Shuuichi:** Kaito??

 

 

* * *

 

 

"But the doves are a great idea! At least put them in a tiny sack... Using magic, of course — I wouldn't expect anything less from you, Yumeno-chan."  
  
" _Ehh... it seems a bit too much..._ "  
  
Ouma scoffs. "Huni-chan's parents are  _very_  extravagant people. They wouldn't mind you summoning a few doves and having them fly in a perfect circle around Huni-chan's head — can you do that? Actually, if you could do the same with pigeons and have them fly around a certain politician's head, that'd be great too..."  
  
" _Ouma,_ " the voice on the other line sighs.  
  
"You'll be fine Yumeno-chan! Chabashira-chan's there to help, isn't she?"  
  
" _... I guess. She's really cheery though. Being around her sucks the mana out of me..._ "  
  
"At least she's willing to juggle flaming rings for you. I can't even get the lady at the convenience store to give me a candy bar." Ouma pouts at the memory of the person whose name he refuses to utter, despite having known her for more than a month. "Anyhow, I trust your judgement. Just be at the house by 9 am to set up, charge your mana, and summon me cupcakes~"  
  
" _Yeah... I can do that._ "  
  
"Great! I'll see you then!"  
  
Silence creeps as soon as he ends the call. Ouma glances around Momota's bedroom and absorbs the dull atmosphere; the bare necessities, the amassment of clothes, the stacked textbooks and ripped envelopes. Wrappers, soda cans, tripwires. The large purple stain by the doorway. A hundred glow-in-the-dark stars weakly candescent in the afternoon light.  
  
Ouma faceplants onto Momota's futon with a sigh. "Tedium is a  _crime_ ," he quotes, casting his mind to all the times life screwed him over with laziness as potent as Yumeno's, rendering him incapable of the fun diehard pranksters like him deserve. What's he to do in times like these? Set up more traps for Momota and watch him activate it —  _as always_  — swear up a storm —  _as always_  — and tell him to get out — as, as as!  _Always_?  
  
Ouma buries his face in a pillow and catches a whiff of space baka.  
  
Three months he's been racking up hell, and now he wants to do it  _forever_? As Momota's roommate? The guy who's fun to rile up but who's so embarrassingly predictable, Ouma can count the number of times Momota's ever surprised him on one hand.  
  
Pretending to be him in a text to Saihara is one of them, admittedly.  
  
A ring interrupts his thoughts.

 

  
  
_**Amami~chaan**_  
  
**Amami~chaan:**  Where r you?  
  
**[user]:**  Guess @u@  
  
**Amami~chaan:**  Hell?  
  
**[user]:** Amami chann!! Dont be rude~  
  
**[user]:**  But yes Im in hell, the hell of momota chan's room :((  
  
**Amami~chaan:**  Oh no  
  
**Amami~chaan:**  I don't care  
  
**Amami~chaan:**  Because to him, you're probably hell incarnate.  
  
**[user]:**  :((((  
  
**Amami~chaan:**  Is he with u? Have you told him about the roommate thing?  
  
**[user]:**  No and yes~  
  
**Amami~chaan:**  Tell me about it later. Rn I need you to help me pack.  
  
**[user]:**  But packing is boring! dont resign me to that tedious activity >:O  
  
**Amami~chaan:**  But time spent in boredom is good. It's what allows the climaxes of life to reach their ultimate state of perfection.  
  
**[user]:**  !! You know I cant challenge Specter chan's logic!!!  
  
**Amami~chaan:**  I know that's why I quoted him.  
  
**Amami~chaan:** Now get your ass here.  
  
**[user]:**  No! Youll have to drag me~~  
  
**[user]:**  Someone's at the door Amami chaan~! see youu~~

 

  
  
Grinning, Ouma clicks his phone shut and ignores the notifications that follow. He traverses the mess in the lounge and swings open the door and... immediately regrets not using the peephole.  
  
" _Hey_ ," Iruma says with an obnoxious smirk. From behind her Akamatsu gives an apologetic look.  
  
Ouma promptly shuts the door.  
  
He fails however, when Iruma sticks a foot in the gap. "Hold on!" she says, forcing her way in with a swing of the door, "we're going to have a lil' pep talk and ya ain't gonna back out of it!"  
  
Ouma gives Akamatsu a pointed look that seems to ask,  _Why is she here?_  
  
"I tried to stop her," Akamatsu sighs as she follows suit. "Even attempted to blackmail her, but I'm not that good yet and Harukawa-san said I have the face of an angel... which I thought was a compliment, until she said I'd be dog bait on the streets." She clears her throat. "Anyway, you know what Iruma is like."  
  
"I'm standing right here!"  
  
"Shush, pig! The adults are talking!"  
  
Iruma recoils. "A-Adult?! But you're shorter than me..!"  
  
Before Ouma can snap back a retort, Akamatsu cuts in. "Anyway! The reason why we're here is because Momota-kun told her to check up on you. Well, he actually missent the text but  _Iruma_ —" she claps a hand firmly on her friend's shoulder, prompting a squeak, "decided to go anyway. And I'm sure she's going to be a good house guest.  _Right_?"  
  
"W-Why should I?! Look at this dump!" Iruma flails her arms at the general mess that is Momota's lounge. "Seriously, I know I haven't been here in  _forever_  but even the flower brain isn't this messy! The hell did you guys do these past few weeks?! A-Aside from the obvious, of course..."  
  
Ouma blithely ignores whatever idiotic thought Iruma's concocted and says, "I've been keeping Momota-chan company, is all. It's not my fault if he can't handle my charm."  
  
"And your charm happens to be annoying him every single day?" Akamatsu asks skeptically. "Shuuichi-kun told me the gist of what you've done. Littered Panta cans, changed his passwords, stolen his blankets... I actually feel bad for Momota-kun now..."  
  
"Don't sweat it, limp tits! That guy gets off on it for sure! Why else would he  _still_  let him in?"  
  
"Why is she here again?" Ouma repeats to the saner of the two.  
  
Iruma splutters. "I t-told ya, we're going to talk about you and space cadet! He may be dumb as dicks but he's still my friend, and I wanna make sure you're not going to  _scam_  him."  
  
Ouma hums. "Financially or mentally~..?"  
  
"I think," Akamatsu cuts in with a telling grip on Iruma's shoulder, "we're all worried about the strain your  _charm_  may have on Momota-kun. Jokes aside, you two have never gotten along. He's been complaining more about you recently and while it's been funny, looking at  _this_ ," she gestures to the lounge, "kinda puts things in his perspective."  
  
"Okay, okay! No need to be a killjoy." Ouma takes a half-full glass of orange juice from the fridge with a huffy expression. "If it helps, Momota-chan oh so graciously refused my offer to move in together, even if it is the best option."  
  
"That too!" Iruma exclaims. "I can't believe you tried to be roommates with him! And that dye job actually got the role too, it's gonna be pretty fucking weird watching him on the big screen..."  
  
Ouma pouts. "I thought Saihara-chan didn't like gossip. You've changed him, Akamatsu-chan..."  
  
Akamatsu shakes her head. "He was just concerned about you. The  _both_  of you. You're his best friends! He wants you to get along. Preferably without being at each other's throats."  
  
"Well, it's too bad that Momota-chan is incapable of liking me as a person. In fact, I don't want to be his roommate anymore! Pranking him has become too boring. It used to be fun watching him get mad and hoppy, but now it's just... meh. That's all he is now!  _Meh_. A shouty, sweary meh." Who tackled him on the floor and nearly broke his spine trying to get his phone, when  _clearly_  it held valuable evidence for crimes of  _slander_  against the Ouma name.  
  
Stupid Momota.  
  
Iruma claps a fist. "I get it now! Things in the bedroom ain't as exciting anymore! You know, he probably thinks the same way, if he wanted us to fucking check up on ya so much." Ouma shields himself with his juice as she leans closer. "So lemme get this straight. You don't wanna hang out with him anymore 'cause you think he's dumb, who can't give you what you want since he's boring as fuck."

Ouma beams. "Hey, you _do_ get it!"  
  
Akamatsu and Iruma exchange glances.  
  
Now, Ouma isn't as freakishly good as Amami when it comes to reading people's minds, but he's a close second. From what he can see, the conversation between the two girls goes like this:  
  
_You thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
Counseling session with Shinguuji-kun?_  
  
Then Iruma does an eyebrow waggle that makes Ouma want to bleach his poor, violated mind.  
  
Then Akamatsu's lip curls, almost smiling, almost conspiratorial. She says, "Ouma-kun, are you still going to Angie's Halloween party?"  
  
"Yep, I still have my invitation. So does Yumeno-chan. Do you remember her? I mentioned her in passing."  
  
Iruma scoffs. "Whatever, you definitely gonna go?"  
  
"Hm..." Ouma tilts his head. "What's with this sudden change in topic..?"  
  
The girls exchange glances.  
  
"We just really want you to be there," Akamatsu says.  
  
"So fucking much," Iruma adds.  
  
Ouma peers at them from behind his empty glass.  
  
"Hey, where did you and flower brain cuddle an hour ago? The couch, yeah? Man, what a mess! The hell's this stain here? Is that... oh. Nevermind, it's just your stupid fucking soda..."

 

 

* * *

 

 

"So," Shirogane says innocuously, "how has living with Ouma-kun been like?"  
  
"Huh? Where'd you get that from?" Shirogane shrugs, and Momota regards her for a moment before turning back to the mirror. "Well, we ain't living together. He wants to be roommates because Amami's leaving, and you know him, he always needs a punching bag to prank the shit out of. It's just my luck that he picked me out of everyone."  
  
Momota can imagine it now, the endless weeks of mayhem and mooching and carpet cleaning. God, what if Toujou kicks him out? She's been lenient so far, but if Ouma's going to be there 24/7...  
  
Who's he kidding? After tonight, he won't even come a  _foot_  near him.  
  
"Swish for me?" Shirogane says. Momota twists his hips, watching the black cloak rise and fall with his movements, and grins. Man, he looks so  _cool_. "Hm, looks like the heft is good! I was worried the fabric was too heavy, since I'd never felt the actual thing. Oh! You want to try the cap?"  
  
" _Fuck_ _y_ _es_."  
  
Problem is, he struggles putting it on. "Try flattening your hair," Shirogane says, handing him a spray bottle filled with water. It's the only way to get his hair down, which is  _never_  slick with gel, thank you very much. It's not his fault he was born with stiff strands. "By the way," she adds, "I don't think Ouma-kun pranks people for no reason. I'm sure there's a special reason behind it. Like how boys pull girls' pigtails."  
  
He squints at her reflection. "Uh, isn't it obvious? To make people's lives hell?"  
  
She smiles. "Put it this way. Why are you doing this prank on  _him_?"  
  
"To get back at him..?"  
  
"But didn't you want to make him cry?"  
  
Momota flinches. "O-Okay, I said that in the heat of the moment. I don't actually want to do that." He's never seen Ouma cry but he's heard him through the phone, after an accidental miscall, ranting about some philosophical crap with a humorless mood that freaked Momota out the entire time. Momota doesn't want that at  _all_  tonight.  
  
"Momota-kun? Hello?" He blinks. Shirogane giggles, "I was just asking if you were done with the cloak."  
  
"Oh, right!" He shrugs it off, neck lamenting the loss of warmth. Shirogane takes it dutifully and starts folding it on a table.  
  
"You still haven't answered my question," she says. "What do you want from this prank? To humiliate Ouma-kun? Make him angry?"  
  
Momota frowns. "Nothing  _that_  extreme. I just. I don't know. Wanna surprise him."  
  
Shirogane hums, all innocent like, that reminds him too much of Ouma. "You've pulled all the stops to make this work. All under one week, too. So maybe, deep down... you want to impress Ouma-kun, who always works hard on his pranks."  
  
Momota chokes on thin air.  
  
"A-As if! That's the  _last_  thing I want to do!"  
  
"You're in denial, Momota-kun. You're a good fit for each other! Ah! Like Mr. and Mrs. Smith!"  
  
He stares.  
  
"... You've been talking to Iruma, haven't you?"  
  
Shirogane shrinks. "Maybe."  
  
Baffled, Momota throws his hands in the air. "I don't  _get_  you two. I'm straight, for Christ's sake! The gayest I've ever been was when I met Shuuichi, and even then I thought he was a chick."  
  
"Sexuality doesn't necessarily have to align with romantic preference, Momota-kun. And if you thought Saihara-kun was cute," Shirogane says cheerily, "then you've definitely thought the same about Ouma-kun!"  
  
"That's — what — why would I ever—" Momota splutters when Shirogane fixes him with an amused look. "S-Shut up! Give me the damn wig!"  
  
"Boys and pigtails," Shirogane sighs. Momota ignores her with every fiber of his being.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 _ **Ouma**_  
  
**[user]:**  Are you still at Kaito's place?  
  
**[user]:**  Ouma?  
  
**Ouma:**  My storage is fu~~ull it wouldnt let me send a picture :((  
  
**[user]:**  Is that a yes?  
  
**Ouma:**  Yup please help!!  
  
**Ouma:**  Your girlfriend and pig ambushed me and they wont stop making stupid assumptions!! >:O  
  
**[user]:**  Kaede-san is there?!  
  
**Ouma:**  Ugh now she wants me to call you  
  
**Ouma:**  Not that i dont appreciate you Saihara chan~~  
  
**[user]:**  That's okay, I was just going to check up on you.  
  
**[user]:**  Are you alright?  
  
**Ouma:**  Nope~! please get rid of my unwelcome house guests!!!  
  
**Ouma:**  @n@!!  
  
**[user]:**  Uh I'll be there soon!

 

  
  
_**Kaede-san**_  
  
**Kaede-san:**  Sorry I forgot to tell you!  
  
**[user]:**  It's fine :) Kaito just wanted me to check up on Ouma  
  
**Kaede-san:**  Ohh that makes sense. He accidentally texted Iruma first and I couldnt let her go without supervision. so I went w/ her  
  
**[user]:**  I feel really bad for you now...  
  
**Kaede-san:**  Well at least you're coming over right?  
  
**[user]:**  I'm only a street away.  
  
**Kaede-san:**  <3 <3 <3 My knight in black slacks <3  
  
**[user]:**  H  
  
**[user]:**  How did you know I was wearing slacks..?  
  
**Kaede-san:**  You're a detective, honey. Figure it out ;)  
  
**[user]:**  I  
  
**[user]:**  Ok  
  
**[user]:**  <3  
  
**Kaede-san:**  <3

 


	5. Song, Dance, and Dramatic Irony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saihara is blindsided and Iruma tries to give advice.

_**~*~* Friends of Atua plus some others *~*~**_  
  
**[user]:**  hello everyone~! angie's here to remind you that the party will start at exactly ~*six thirty*~!! that's when the trick or treating starts in america so please be on time. can't wait to see everyone's costumes! @u@~~**  
  
**Korekiyo:**  Will we still need to bring a pint of blood?  
  
**[user]:**  yep~~! thanks for the reminder kiyo!  
  
**Ryoma:**  You're kidding right.  
  
**[user]:**  nope!  
  
**Ryoma:**  The only pint I'm bringing is beer.  
  
**Maki:**  If you can only handle a pint then you're weaker than I thought.  
  
**Maki:**  I bet a preschooler can drink more than you.  
  
**Ryoma:**  You wanna go  
  
**Maki:** If your tiny liver can handle it.  
  
**Korekiyo:**  Oh my, here they go again...  
  
**Gonta:**  Gonta does not understand! Is everything alright?  
  
**[user]:**  don't worry gonta! this is normal behavior~!  
  
**Maki:**  He deserves it.  
  
**Korekiyo:**  Angie is right. You'll acclimatise eventually.  
  
**Ryoma:**  I'm bringing a six pack.  
  
**Gonta:**  Ah, Gonta does not really understand but okay! Also, he would like to thank Angie-san for inviting him again. :)  
  
**[user]:**  no worries~!! i'm glad maki introduced you to us! can't wait for you to meet the *~rest~*!  
  
**[user]:**  in fact angie wonders why they haven't replied yet! @o@**  
  
**Maki:**  Six pack? I thought you didn't have that anymore. Ever since you retired and went out of shape.  
  
**Ryoma:**  Where did you say you were working again?  
  
**Ryoma:**  Oh right  
  
**Ryoma:**  The convenience store. The only place desperate enough to hire you.  
  
**Maki:**  Best of three. Loser has to give up their bank account details.  
  
**[user]:**  nyahaha! your friendship is so cute~**!!  
  
**Gonta:**  Really!! Gonta is worried!  
  
**Korekiyo:**  Kukuku...   
  
**Korekiyo:**  If my suspicions are correct, tonight shall be very interesting indeed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Saihara steps inside, the first thing he thinks is,  _Woah_.  
  
"I know," Akamatsu sighs, raking her hair. "I never expected their situation to be this messy. Kinda puts things in Momota-kun's perspective."  
  
"Well... it's not the first time seen it in this state." Saihara steps over an upturned chair. "I'm just surprised that Momota-kun didn't erase  _this_." He points to a crudely drawn image of a ghost on the whiteboard. "He must've left before Ouma drew it. Speaking of which, where is Ouma?"   
  
A loud wail erupts from down the hall.   
  
"Never mind," Saihara intones.  
  
Akamatsu shakes her head. "Iruma set off one of his traps. She wouldn't stop yelling at him for two minutes."  
  
"What's the damage?"  
  
"Her hair's covered in silly string. And she smells like air freshener."  
  
"That's... not as horrible as I thought," Saihara says in surprise.  
  
"Exactly what Ouma-kun thought, which is why he's probably pleading for her to get off his case. Or insulting her. Maybe both..."  
  
Saihara awkwardly chuckles. "Probably both. Well, he seems alright. I think talking to you two has cheered him up. Guess I never needed to come here..."  
  
"Don't think that, Shuuichi-kun! You came because you're a good friend." Akamatsu beams. " _And_ because I asked you too."  
  
"Still," Saihara says, fighting down a blush, "I should talk to Ouma. Kaito thinks he offended him and I wouldn't be surprised with the whole roommate dilemma." He sighs. "They just need to find a common ground. Something they can agree on that'll make them more cooperative."  
  
"Common ground, huh..?"  
  
Saihara furrows his brows. "Is there something I don't know about..?"  
  
With a snort, Akamatsu leans in to whisper in his ear.  
  
"Holy fuck," Saihara blurts.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 _ **Shuuichi**_  
  
**[user]:**  hey man! is ouma out of my place yet?  
  
**Shuuichi:**  N  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Not yet.  
  
**[user]:**  seriously?? come on im gonna be home in twenty min  
  
**Shuuichi:**  I can't work miracles Kaito.  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Speaking of miracles  
  
**Shuuichi:**  How was the appointment  
  
**Shuuichi:**  At the doctor's  
  
**[user]:**  it was fine  
  
**[user]:**  are you okay..?  
  
**Shuuichi:**  So Ouma stole your phone last night.  
  
**[user]:**  yeah what about it?  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Nothing. Just asking.  
  
**[user]:**  did you set off a trap or something  
  
**[user]:**  i think you got a concussion  
  
**Shuuichi:**  So when you said important possessions  
  
**Shuuichi:**  And you wanted Ouma out of your way  
  
**[user]:**  ok no, why dont you lie down first  
  
**[user]:**  there should be some medicine in the cabinet  
  
**[user]:**  NOT THE SECOND DRAWER  
  
**[user]:**  DONT OPEN THAT  
  
**Shuuichi:**  All those times you said you were busy this past week  
  
**[user]:**  ok fuck it im gonna call  
  
**Shuuichi:**  NO WAIT  
  
**[user]:**  WHAT WHAT  
  
**Shuuichi:**  Nothing Im sorry!  
  
**[user]:**  the hells up with you??!! ouma??  
  
**[user]:**  do i need to sic harumaki on him  
  
**Shuuichi:**  No its fine! I was just ranting!  
  
**Shuuichi:**  I'm just struggling getting him out. I'll text you when I'm done.  
  
**[user]:**  alright... if you say so

 

 

* * *

 

 

He's less than pleased that he had to waste a trap on  _Iruma_  of all people, but at least it was worth it!  
  
... Sorta. Ouma still doesn't know why she's still around.  
  
"You guys seriously need to be locked in a closet," Iruma grumbles, rolling the silly string into a ball and chucking it at him. "You've been dancing 'round each other for months, it's getting real annoying hearing the same complaints over and over again. And  _seriously_? Save the stupid pranking shit for him, don't rope me into any of it!"  
  
"It's not  _my_  fault you were chasing after me," Ouma shoots back, as he dismantles a mousetrap in the bathroom cabinet. "And I'd rather suffocate myself than be in a closet with him. I bet he'd complain the entire time. He always does, doesn't he~? The same old song and dance, looping and looping and looping..."  
  
"Great, now I gotta hear it from you too!"  
  
"You dont have to. I'm sure a sweaty pig like you has better things to do. Like checking yourself for chlamydia. Oh, wait," Ouma says with false pity, "I forgot, you're an absolute virgin with no sex appeal. Lucky for you!"  
  
"T-That's—!"  
  
"Hm? You still have something to say?"  
  
Iruma wails with a wild blush, "D-Don't be mean to me! I just wanna help!"  
  
"I don't think making stupid assumptions counts as helping."  
  
"That was before I found out how fucked up you two are! Seriously, who flirts like you guys?!"  
  
Ouma looks at her unimpressed. "You're delusional, Iruma-chan. Don't you get it? He's too dumb for my taste. Too predictable. At least Saihara-chan can keep up with me. And Amami-chan always knows how to throw me off track."  
  
"That makes no fucking sense! If you like them so much then why didn't ya try pranking the shit outta them?!"  
  
_Because I needed the time to study Momota-chan's mannerisms_ , Ouma nearly says. Instead: "I don't have to, becau~use, they're not stupid! Something a loud pig like you wouldn't dream of understanding..."  
  
"I-I'm plenty smart! After all, I'm a famous inventor! O-Once I get the patents!" Iruma crosses her arms. "And anyway, who says the flower brain can't challenge you? I-I mean, not that I know anything..."  
  
Ouma slumps, fiddling with the mousetrap, and remembers the time and effort he invested in this dreary apartment, poking fun at a guy who really should have seen it all coming. "Momota-chan is hardly interesting," he says. "It was fun making fun of that, but, it's not anymore."  
  
He backs out of the open cabinet with the trap in tow and grins up at her... at Iruma's stern expression. She stands, straightens her too-low skirt, and jabs a finger at his direction.  
  
"Lemme tell you something you smart alecs don't know," she says lowly. "Sure, you can have mind-blowing sex playing chess or whatever foreplay you're into, but where's the fun in that? That's some conservative shit! Nah, you want it rough, back-of-the-nightclub style. For that, you've got the idiots. Who fucking knows what they'll do? ' _What're they gonna take off first? What position they gonna choose?_ ' Too bad, you can't tell!  
  
"So there!" she yells. "You get it now?!"  
  
"Nope," Ouma says as he picks his nails.  
  
Iruma recoils. "D-Don't lie to me! Obviously idiots aren't boring 'c-cause you don't know what to expect!"  
  
"Maybe," Ouma hums. "But I can't take you seriously, Iruma-chan. For an idiot like you, I really did expect more..."  
  
"T-That's against my p-point!" Iruma splutters. "You're not supposed to expect anything!"  
  
"Then I won't," Ouma says with an earsplitting grin. What would be the point? The only thing he expects is the same old routine that's been going on for months, that he's beaten to death and suddenly grown tired of.  
  
He'll find a new hobby. Shouldn't be too hard.  
  
Ouma feels a buzz in his pocket. "Are you even  _listening_  to me?" Iruma cries as he pulls out his phone.  
  
It doesn't get any better; Shirogane chides him as soon as he picks up, and Ouma rushes to his feet with a placatory, "Sorry, sorry! Got caught up in useless drama!"  
  
" _Just hurry over here! I have other commissions to do!_ "  
  
"Shirogane-chan is so mean..!"  
  
"Who was that?" Iruma asks as Ouma hangs up.  
  
"None of your business," he coolly retorts. "Anyways! I have to go. People need saving and I'm the only one available. See you tonight at the party, I'll definitely be looking out for a pig!" he adds cheerily, skipping out of the bathroom, just as Saihara rounds the corner. "Hey, Saihara-chan! You actually came! A bit late but I appreciate the gesture anyways! It'd be great if you flush Iruma-chan down the toilet without clogging it up, I can't do it because I'm going to walk an old lady's dog. See you tonight! You too Akamatsu-chan!"  
  
As the door to the apartment slams shut, all three house guests exchange wary glances.  
  
Saihara's eyes widen. "Don't... don't tell me he's going to meet with Shirogane."  
  
Akamatsu lightly chuckles. "Probably. But at least he's out of the apartment?"  
  
"Well, fuck my nuggets," Iruma mutters. "This is going to be a nightmare."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaat? Two chapters in a row??


	6. Skinsuits I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, what is the world coming to?

Saihara barely hides his flinch when Momota comes back with a shiny white bag swinging wildly on his forearm. He slams the door shut behind him, and doesn't notice his friends until he steadies his breathing and says, "That was close... wait."  
  
"Ran into trouble?" Akamatsu asks.  
  
Momota blinks at her. "Why the hell are  _you_  guys here? Shit, is it 'cause I texted her?" he gestures to Iruma. "Man, I should've known..."  
  
"Oi, at least we didn't burn this place up! Shota's already got that covered! From the looks of it," Iruma appraises him with a particularly nasty expression, "you guys got a little busy in the alley."  
  
"Shut up, Iruma! I didn't even run into him! I mean, I nearly did, but I ran inside the store for refuge. Threw this," he raises the bag, "behind the counter. It was — yeah. I'm kinda. Banned from there. For a while." Momota lets out an explosive breath. "I might've, uh. Hit Harumaki in the face, accidentally."  
  
They stare at him. Briefly, Saihara wonders how his best friend isn't a corpse rotting on the street.  
  
Momota clears his throat. "Anyway. Not to be rude and all, but I need you guys to clear out. Got stuff to do for the party. You... you know."  
  
"Oh, definitely! Isn't that right, Shuuichi-kun?"  
  
Saihara looks at his girlfriend with something akin to stage fright. Momota cuts him off with a shocked, "Wait, you told Shuuichi?!"  
  
Akamatsu nods. "He deserved to know. He's been so close to figuring out why you've been acting weird, I thought I'd put him out of his misery."  
  
Iruma cackles. "You know, lil' tits, there were other ways you could've distracted him."  
  
"Oh, that makes sense." Momota turns to Saihara. "Sorry, man. I didn't tell you because you talk a lot with Ouma, and I was afraid he'd figure out my plan like the freaky shit he is."  
  
"That makes no fucking sense!" Iruma yells.  
  
"No, I understand," Saihara says.  
  
"W-Why are you all ignoring me..? H-Hey!" Iruma bounds over to them with a growl. "Lemme tell you all what my golden brain just deduced!"  
  
_Here we go_ , everyone thinks.  
  
"Obviously I knew about flower brain's plan from the get go, right? And I was stuck with the stupid shota for a while in the bathroom—"  
  
"—oh crap," Momota interrupts, "did you set off the thing in the cabinet?"  
  
"T-That doesn't matter right now!" Iruma yells. "What's important, you fucking plebs, is that I knew the plan and he didn't, but like you said, he's got the psychic shit from dye job, and been friends with pervert detective over there," she jabs a finger at Saihara, who frowns instantly, "so obviously he should've figured it out!"  
  
Akamatsu frowns. "Not because you accidentally gave him hints..?"  
  
"L-Like I'd be that dumb! But you know who is?"  
  
"Don't you fucking dare," Momota warns.  
  
"Too bad, because answer A is you! And who's been hanging 'round you for a while? That's right! Him!" Iruma cackles. "You made him dumb! All part of the plan, eh?"  
  
"Okay,  _none_  of that made any sense! First of all, I'm as smart as you! Actually,  _way_  smarter!" Momota snarls. "And stop lumping me together with him! Now get out, I gotta practice to be him and shit!"  
  
Saihara looks at the bag. "You're really doing this? Going this far just to..." Images flash before him, terrible horrors conjured by his wild imagination. Don't get him wrong, he's seen plenty of weird shit courtesy of Ouma, Angie and Iruma, but... his best friends dressing up as... each other.  
  
Oh,  _God_.  
  
Akamatsu anchors him back to reality with a tug to his arm. "Maybe we should go," she says with a knowing smile. "After all, we need to get dressed ourselves. And I'd... rather not ruin Momota-kun's surprise. For his, um. Integrity."  
  
"Now hold on, flatboard! Don't you wanna watch him practice?"  
  
"Hell no!" Momota blusters.  
  
Akamatsu smiles sheepishly. "Honestly I do but I'm... scared. It's Ouma-kun we're talking about! I don't think my heart could take it."  
  
"We don't have to," Saihara says without thinking. "I have, uh, evidence. Of Kaito... impersonating him..."  
  
Silence fills the room.  
  
"Shuuichi," Momota suddenly growls, "don't you fucking  _dare_."  
  
It's too late, his hand already in his pocket, and the two girls crowd around him immediately. Saihara couldn't have objected even if he changed his mind (which he did, because it's been a while since he's been on the receiving end of Momota's ire and it  _never_  feels good). It takes seconds for them to read aloud Ouma's —  _Momota's_  texts to him the night before, and even less than that for Momota to protest that no, "T-That's not me, I swear! That bastard really did steal my phone!"  
  
"Is he lying?" Akamatsu says.  
  
"If he is, that's fucking bananas!"  
  
"Screw you, people lie all the time!"  
  
"But you've been doing it _all the time_ _,_ " Iruma snorts.  
  
Saihara ponders her words. "Now that I think about, you have. I just... never knew why." He furrows his brows. "On the other hand, Ouma's been more straightforward than usual..."  
  
"Oh my God," Iruma says with wide eyes, "you and him are becoming  _each other_."  
  
Akamatsu breaks into laughter.  
  
"That's not entirely true," Saihara says as Momota shouts Iruma into an early grave. "Kaito always lies when he has something important to hide, and Ouma is blunt even if his words are tricky. It's just that, because they've been in such close quarters... those traits become more apparent."  
  
"So what you're saying is that they've always been similar," Akamatsu says. "That they bring out the best in each other... in their own weird way."  
  
"Pft, weird is one way to say it. For fuck's sake, flower brain here's gonna confess as shota boy's mirror!"  
  
" _I am not_ ," Momota snarls, "confessing to  _anyone_! Christ, I don't get why you're so fixated on this! Yeah, I've been a lying a lot, but it's only for tonight. After that, no more lying! No more Ouma  _this_ _,_ " he gestures wildly, "Ouma  _that_. From now on, I'll sic Harumaki on him every time he approaches the building. I'm just. I'm so  _sick_  of him." He whirls to face Iruma. "You too!"  
  
Iruma recoils. "Kaito," Saihara says, because he can literally see steam rising from his friend's ears.  
  
"No, Shuuichi, I'm done! I'm done with your crazy ass delusions and your freakish need to set me up with a guy who's done nothing but use me as — as some kinda entertainment! He doesn't respect whatever I have to say because apparently I'm just a dumbass who can't even go to space, cause I can't swim on time or do tests properly or fucking afford the train to Chofu."  
  
"Hey, that's not true," Akamatsu says, sharing a worried glance with Saihara before giving Iruma the meanest glare possible.  
  
She squeaks. "G-Give me a break! I didn't know he thought all that! S'not like I want him to be fucking depressed again!"  
  
" _Iruma_ ," Akamatsu warns.  
  
Momota watches her chide Iruma, his temper exhausted and his scowl deeper. Saihara recalls a time when he barely spoke more than two words, ate cup noodles all the day and ignored calls like the plague. When an oblivious Ouma gatecrashed their intervention and made things worse. A pang of guilt hits Saihara.  
  
Akamatsu tugs his arm with a telling look. "We're going," she says to Momota. "We'll, um. See you at the party."  
  
"I'm not going."  
  
They halt. Saihara blinks. "You're not?"  
  
"Yeah," Momota sighs. "I'm too pissed to try. Too stupid, anyhow. Anyway, you guys can leave. Here," he offers the bag, "give this to Shirogane. Tell her I'm sorry."  
  
"H-Hold on," Iruma stammers, "I didn't mean what I said — I was just teasing, ya know, like fucking always! Y-You have to go, he'll be there and he's gonna go and—!!" She keeps babbling even as Akamatsu's hand muffles her words. As Momota stares at her impassively with lips slightly quirked and--  
  
Saihara remembers the time when Amami taught him how to read facial gestures. The aversion of a person's gaze, the amount of blinking they perform, the position of their lips.  
  
So he says "Wait" with widening eyes as he reads the signals, and says it again because holy crap, _holy crap_.  
  
In response, Momota flinches. "Shit," he curses, and Saihara's world turns upside down. "Was I really that obvious?"  
  
They stare at him.  
  
And stare some more.  
  
Akamatsu is the first to speak up, saying, slowly, "Was all that... a lie just now?"  
  
Momota laughs. "Nah, not completely. I meant what I said about you guys, but like hell I'm gonna throw away a week's worth of practice!" His grin falters when Akamatsu approaches him with a poised hand. "Woah, Kaede, what're you — OW!"  
  
"You gave me a  _heart attack_! Don't  _ever_  do that again!"  
  
"Did he just—" Iruma babbles, "Was all that — does that mean—"  
  
As his girlfriend shouts Momota into an early grave, Saihara mutters, "Lied about something serious, managed to annoy Kaede-san... Yep. That's... that's Ouma alright."  
  
He needs to sit down.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 _I want to die. I want the boxes to fall on me and squish me and basically it should be more fun than what we're doing now, so mindlessly repetitive, so tedious._  
  
At least, that's what Amami can glean from his not-roommate's current mood.  
  
"I promise, only a few more." Ah, but that's what he said last time. In response, Ouma messily dumps his clothes in a box. "Ouma, I'm not lying. Please stop taking your anger out on my possessions."  
  
"Don't want to."  
  
"I dealt with fourteen siblings my whole life, don't think I don't have the patience for this."  
  
"Don't you mean thirteen? Oh, whoops."  
  
"I know this isn't ideal, but you're being completely unreasonable." Amami whups him on the head. "Especially when you bring that up. Or any other mistakes I've made. Now come on, I don't have a lot left to pack."  
  
Ouma groans. "But this is  _boring_."  
  
"You're boring."  
  
He gasps. "Amami-chan, take that back!"  
  
"Technically you are," the green-haired boy points out. "You may be tricky but you're not unpredictable, not when your name is pretty much synonymous with trouble." Amami's gaze sharpens. "That's boring in of itself, don't you think?"  
  
Ouma sticks his head in the box and sniffles. "Why're you bullying me... You're already leaving me, this is just too cruel..."  
  
"Your prank is cruel. Momota-kun will definitely hate you after tonight. Then you'll be living alone, no victim for you to entertain yourself with. Which is, again, cruel."  
  
Ouma says something that's muffled by the box, so Amami chooses to ignore him. He's lived with Ouma for two years, he's experienced his ups and downs, but dealing with him is still difficult. Even when Amami's used to this sort of sulking.  
  
Yep, he's on a whole other level.  
  
"Hey. I know you're disappointed in him, but your expectations are too high to begin with. Add the fact that you're a bad roommate and clearly, it's obviously not his fault."  
  
More muffled words. Amami shakes his head. "Not that it's yours, too. You can't help but be smarter than most, more quick to pick up the little things. Well... when you're not distracted by your disillusionment."  
  
Ouma is practically groaning into the box. With a sigh, Amami whups him again. "Seriously, get your head out of there. I can't tell what you're saying."  
  
"I  _said_ ," Ouma emphasises, rising with a huff, "that you're stupid."  
  
Amami raises a hand threateningly.  
  
"You are," the shorter boy deadpans. "For a mentalist you sure are bad at it! So bad you would belittle yourself in the process. Poor Amami-chan. Hey — hey! Let's make a fort out of these boxes and pretend I'm a supreme ruler!"  
  
"Or, let's pack," Amami says cheerily.  
  
"Yeah! Let's pack my stuff! Whoever can do it the fastest wins!"  
  
Amami gives him a sharp look. "Your stuff..?"  
  
Ouma grins. "Nishishi... of course. I'm coming with you, after all."  
  
Amami appraises the quirk of his lips and says, "That's rash. What about your business? Your prank squad? Saihara-kun, Yumeno-san..?"  
  
"I don't need them! You're the only one for me, Amami-chan~!"  
  
How many times has he heard that? "You're staying," Amami says because he knows Ouma will regret leaving Itazura, even if he means it. Even if he's lying.  
  
Shadows fall on his not-roommate's face. Ouma looks at the box and seems to set it alight with his gaze. "What a boring answer... I'm disappointed in you, Amami-chan. Do you really want to leave me this badly? Huh... it's true that friends always betray you in the end... That's why I'm scared of them more than strangers."  
  
Amami summons any trace of patience he has within him and kneels before the other boy. "Of course I don't want to leave," he says. "But at the same time, I do. This is a big opportunity for me. You know that. So why don't you put my needs before yours for a change?"  
  
Ouma smiles. "Am I that cruel? So impossibly selfish~? So, so, unworthy of missing you just a tiny bit?" It's a smile that deflates with his words. Amami watches unblinkingly. "I guess I'm just a rotten liar after all. But, that must get kinda boring, huh?"  
  
Amami blinks. "That's not—"  
  
"WAAAA~~AAAHHHHHH!!!! AMAMI-CHAN DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME!!!"  
  
Hot and cold. He really is on a whole other level. "But I do," Amami says in spite of his wailing. "And... you do too."  
  
Ouma promptly stops crying and whoops, "Yahoo~! So you finally admit it! You had me scared for a moment!"  
  
"Me too," Amami says, regarding him carefully. "I've never heard you be so... honest."   
  
Because Ouma missing him isn't new. But it's a subject the shorter boy's never brought up directly, instead choosing to do inane things like hiding Amami's passport or rescheduling his flight. Heaping lies on top of lies, from teasing to annoyance, to simple boredom.  
  
Eliciting genuine emotion from Ouma... is like sipping glue through a straw.  
  
Huh.  
  
Amami spies Ouma's costume on the sofa, laid out neatly, and wonders if it's a coincidence.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The previous chapter was insubstantial so I decided to upload this one too. Yes, the next chapter will probably be the last (and the longest), though I can't make promises as to when I'll have it out. In the meanwhile, thanks for everyone's support!


End file.
